Hard Decisions

Life is incredible. I feel so blessed with how I have so many things to be grateful for. My heart, my mind are soaring to wondrous heights because I feel the chains have begun to loosen. I've struggled so much over the past few years to do what I want to do. Those who know me know that what I want to do is more than what most would consider sane. At times this has made me question my own sanity, which while really healthy in the long run has lots of short term stress. That said, I'm really happy with where I am. Money is tight, we have to pick and choose when and where we spend our meager budget per month but at the end of the day I get hugs from my Son, kisses from my wife and the joy that I did something that day worthwhile. I created something. I learned something. I became more today than I was yesterday.

I don't always get more done than I'd hoped, sometimes I complete a dismal 10% of what I wanted to do that day. But I still feel encouraged to face the future and although that future may not be the one that I hope and dream for it will still be full of love and joy. We face some hard, emotional, stressful times coming up in the next 6 months. At times I find it difficult to not sink into the abyss thinking about them but I try. Our next little boy is coming very soon. I'm applying to PhD programs (again) and we don't know where we are going to be in a year from now.

A year from now I could be running my own little company, either coding or writing. I could be starting a PhD program at a new University somewhere here in the US, or somewhere in Europe (Edinburgh & Cambridge/Oxford are on the list right now). We could still be here, plugging away in our respective roles with two adorable sons running around family housing. Megan won't be able to get any shopping done if the next one is as cute as Superman is. We could be back in Utah, Arizona, or anywhere else. No matter what happens though, we'll be happy. I refuse to give the world control over the one thing that makes a difference, my personal attitude. Not that I'm throwing a gauntlet down, but I want to keep my happiness.

Ross